Monthly Archives: November 2015

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Sunday Reflections: I am tired

I’ve had a rough couple weeks dealing with some bullshit and just sort of hit a breaking point last night. These are the thoughts that have now been running through my head as I reflect on what has been happening. 

I am tired of feeling like no one takes me seriously. That because I am a stay at home mom I must not  do anything (except lounge around and shop online); that I am some sort of airhead. I am so tired of feeling like people don’t take me seriously because I’m young and a woman.

I am tired of trying to balance all the things I want to do (build a strong library program, blog, read for work) with my job and with spending quality, meaningful time with my daughter. So often I feel like I’m failing at all those things. 

I am tired of the meme that tells us to be kind always. It feels too much like what we teach girls. Years of training I have to just “be nice”. Not make waves. Not stand up for myself. I am tired of trying to teach Cam that she can be more what our crappy society thinks of girls and yet failing to be able to do that myself. 

I am tired of the backward glances at what I wear and the fact that I don’t have on jeans, high heels and makeup while toting a four year old around. 

I am tired of feeling like I have to give several extra days to my job in the library even though I’m not paid. I’m tired of bending over backwards to make sure things are equitable for the teachers and my contract. 

I am tired of people feeling entitled. 

I am tired of petty, insecure, selfish and self absorbed people. 

I am tired of people asking me if our daughter will attend the private school my husband and I work at. And I’m tired of answering in a conciliatory and non-committal way to avoid making the school look bad or making it look like I don’t work there in large part because we need the money.

I am tired of keeping this in because I feel guilty feeling this way. These are all champagne problems. I could be homeless. Or a black. Or undocumented. Or a whole host of other things that are so much worse or more difficult than what I’m dealing with. 

And, I am just plain tired. I have a lot on my plate.

So, what am I going to do? Well, most of the time I just feel angry, like I might implode. But I feel like I reached a breaking point yesterday and I just need to make some decisions.

So, 

I am not going to take crap and sexist remarks from other people. I’m also not going to denigrate myself and what I do with Cam. I am going to remind people that I have work experience, life experience and an good education to back me up. This is going to be hard. I have years and years of conditioning that have taught me to be quiet. To be nice. That I should care what everyone else thinks and thinks of me. 

I’m done trying to reschedule work days that are taken up with other things that are not of my making. I work extra hours planning, setting up and on projects and that makes up for the times I don’t have the kids in the library. And if work is getting in the way of quality time with my daughter I’m not doing it. I’m done letting that interfere. 

I am going to say no. No you may not put your needs before my work. My work is important and just because you aren’t sure about my program doesn’t mean you get to decide that what you do is more important. (This comes specifically from what happened yesterday, but is broadly applicable.) No you may not put your needs before my own. My time is valuable and my needs are real. There are other things for you to do, go do them.  

I am going to try and be sure I am not feeling entitled to anything and am going to call out entitlement. You are entitled to nothing in this life. If anyone is entitled, it’s the people our society and government have disenfranchised and built systems that institutionalize racism and inequality around.

Why are the petty and self absorbed people always the loudest ones? I guess because they feel a certain sense of targeted injustice in the world. I am done engaging with them. 

I am done telling people Cam will go to private school. Their educational philosophy doesn’t fit with what I want for her, for starters. We also had a really shitty experience applying last year where the admissions office was not willing to hear our concerns. If we were any other family we would look elsewhere and we are going to. 

I am going to do the things I want to and not do the ones I don’t. I won’t be the book police at school. I won’t do extra things for work. I certainly won’t bend over backwards for a system that allows others to shirk work and time, but expects me not to.  I know I’ve consciously put things on my plate that are there, but I want to reassess and be sure they are things I am glad are taking up my time and are intentional not just conscious choices. If things don’t get done, they don’t get done. Sorry. There are only 24 hours in a day and I need to rest and focus on Cam during a lot of those. 

It breaks my heart that last night I actually looked over at my daughter and wondered if it was worth it. If giving up my career, my body, my time and putting myself out there for all the judgement there is around and in motherhood was worth her. Because of course she’s worth it. Fuck the system that made me question that. I am tired of it.